Regarding the example of psychological boundaries, I would like to talk about a little more about the relationship with us.
What happens when we lose our psychological boundaries to those who are close to us? In my practical work, I often hear similar stories.
{9 Pinguan's father passed on to Yulin's diligence and sincerity. He left his country early to fight for Taipei. After getting married and starting a family, he had his own small family. But Pinguan's uncle has been very fond of merit since he was a child. He is determined to make a big money and become a leader. He started his career several times, but in the end he paid the money and collected the money. Even so, I still didn't have the money to extinguish my uncle.At around Pinguan's adolescence, my uncle heard a good opportunity to make money from his friend, but his uncle had no money on him, so he had to turn his head to Pinguan's father and mother for funds. Pinguan's grandmother is young and has no savings. She only needs to have a stable old age life by relying on her eldest son. Even though they know that the little son has many bad records, they also hope that the little son can marry and have children like his brother as soon as possible. Therefore, they borrowed money from their eldest son on behalf of them, hoping that his elder brother could help his younger brother.
In fact, Pinguan's father has borrowed money to do business with his younger brother more than once, and he has been willing to pay for his previous money, and he can't get back his previous money. Pinguan’s father was unwilling to give up why he repeatedly sent the money he had earned to others for his hard work, and he had to live a life of his own, and he had no way to give his children a favorable living environment. Therefore, this time he made up his mind that no matter how his father begged, he would no longer help this unsatisfactory younger brother. Those refusals were heard very harshly in my father's ears. I thought that the elder brother could abandon his family. The two old men denounced and insulted him, and even left the family and stayed at the married daughter's house.
After this incident was revealed, Pinguan's father was burdened with great pressure and said that he was unfilial and loved to speak loudly. In the end, Pinguan's father suffered from depression. A few years later, he ran away from home and his life and death remained unsure yet. Pinguan once told his friend: "Every time I meet a wandering Han on the road, I will take a look at him twice. I don't know if I have the chance to see him (dad)."
For the sake of family harmony, parents have to support their younger brother without any conditions, regardless of right or wrong. As a result, the huge cracks between the brothers and the next generation of the eldest son lost their father before they even became adults. This incident became a big shadow in Pinguan's heart, making it difficult for him to develop a sense of trust in others and hold negative thoughts on many things. It took him a long time to slowly find himself back. To him, the concept of family is too heavy and too painful.
Through these two stories, I want to talk to you about this part of culture.
People live in a group, and it is impossible to ignore cultural factors when talking about psychological boundaries. Especially the Oriental Society, which focuses on agricultural economy, and the family is the core unit of the entire agricultural activity. Therefore, the family's group, harmony and prosperity have become very important. These conventions and habits have gradually formed a "family theory" with "family" as the priority. For example, there are many children and many mountains, many blessings, family harmony and endless family silence, etc., a unique thinking pattern and lifestyle standard stipulate the rights and interests of family members, and are familiar with each other which behaviors are suitable, encouraged, and which are forbidden. The purpose is to allow the entire society to operate in the most stable and efficient way to promote the family's extension.
These ideas and practices are not necessarily backward, and the environment at that time was an inevitable means and strategy. But what is more troubling is that modern people's lives have long left the agricultural industry and entered the Internet generation. They no longer need such a lot of manpower and living space arrangements, nor are they as tight as rural life, so many things cannot be done like they did in the past. However, the traditions and customs accumulated over thousands of years cannot be adjusted immediately by saying that they are corrected. As a result, it has caused many family disputes and personal pain. Especially the following two concepts often make people feel very difficult and difficult to solve when facing family problems.
1. Paying attention to the family groupfamily group connection has always been a very important thing for us. If someone in the family "turns his arms outward", he will definitely be greatly criticized and dismissed. In other words, if we are a family, we must "share the gifts and humiliation", "share the blessings and the difficulty of the same", and we must never be out of the matter. As long as it is a family matter, no matter how bad the result is, everyone must bear it together.
Therefore, clear "psychological boundaries" do not exist in Eastern culture. Even if it is suppressed and prohibited, if family members are too strongly tuned to personal needs, it will destroy the cohesion of the group. In order to control the loyalty of each member to the family, the family will gather all male children of the same surname, their spouses, and the children they raise together to live a group life of "living and sharing money".
This single economy has three characteristics: all labor income is in the warehouse, and everyone's necessary sales are also shared by everyone from the bank expenditure and accumulated wealth. Just like the Pinguan father mentioned in our story, he cannot spend the money he earns himself, he must support his parents and raise his brothers; while Minglun sold the house, so the money could not be put in his own pocket..
When a person loses economic autonomy, he must rely on the group in his personality and self-consciousness, and determine his personal behavior based on the group's preferences. Everyone thinks about how to make the family stronger and cannot consider personal preferences. Children who grew up in this atmosphere have little courage to express their ideas, and can only act with utmost obedience and listen to their lives. In addition, our habit of paying attention to family groups for a long time will make many people afraid to have too clear self-boundaries and are afraid to bear the crime of unfilial and selfishness.
However, in the life of modern people, such thinking mode will kill a person's creativity and autonomy. When a child has to consider whether his parents will respond whenever he does something, he will hand over part of his control over his life. Therefore, in Eastern society, the ratio of mothers is particularly high.
2. Strengthen family harmonyFurthermore, a group of people should live in close contact from morning to night, and there will be friction between them. For the family, conflicts between relationships are a very dangerous thing, because they will destroy the harmony of the family and cause unnecessary division. Therefore, we highly appreciate the virtue of "tolerance".
Especially women often play the role of the bridge beam in family communication. Whether she can play this role well depends on whether she meets the five major characteristics of "warm, kind, respect, politeness, and sage". As long as she can abide by these principles, "father is kind and filial, brother is kind and respectful, and husband is loyal and loyal" is not a problem, and she can also achieve the reputation of the entire family together.
In other words, harmony is the inability to resist family operations. As long as anyone acts aggressively, it may lead to incompatibility between relatives, and long-term and serious disputes will cause the problem of the separation of the family to come ahead of schedule. From a long-term perspective, separation is a very painful thing, because the operation of the "big family" will collapse and make them lose their authority in the family. Therefore, the elderly will try to eliminate any dangerous factors that will cause family separation and adhere to the concept of not being able to separate families.
So, "forbearance" and "sacrifice" have become necessary cultivation for everyone, and the conflict has turned into a terrible curse, and everyone avoids it for fear. However, regardless of family, it seems that the group is united and the joys and sorrows are shared. Under such a system, the pressure of emotions will often only cause greater tragedy after being suppressed for a long time, just like Pin Guan's father is a victim of family politics.
is the same with our personal teaching experience. The reason why many students cannot hold personal boundaries is because they are too afraid of conflicts with others. To him, he was taught from a small family that he could not quarrel. Everyone should be friendly with each other, not too much calculation or self, so that he could not learn what a constructed battle would be, and how to achieve common understanding through conflicts.
Book introduction
Book name: Psychological boundaries: Respect your own will, 3 practices establish "psychological boundaries", and regain the complete self
Author: Jialing Yang
Publisher: Adopting culture
Publication date: 2017/11/30
Language: Traditional Chinese
Author introduction
Yang Jialing
Consulting psychologist. I love writing and like to make people feel warm and time-consuming through words.
Start cultural responsibility.
Under the soft appearance, there is a provocative heart.
After graduating from the economic system of the government and university, I found that I could not integrate into the cold digital world. With a sensitive mind and curiousness about humanities and philosophy, I resolutely embarked on the path of psychological guidance.
Zhanghua Master graduated from a university with a professional guidance and consulting office and once won the National Excellent Doctoral Essay Award. He wanted to develop in the academic world, but the complex administrative and upward pressure gradually lost the opportunity to connect and interact with people. I decided to give myself a gift on my 30th birthday, leave my professional teaching job, and pursue my dreams.
Create a culture, and understand the general people better through running a company, and face the test in real life. Therefore, we can always use the most easy-to-understand words to help a case break through blind spots. Believing that psychological workers can bring the best gifts in the world is to transform boring and rude professional knowledge into simple and warm words to create people's thinking. During the reading process, reflect on the situation of life and find the forward movement.